Things that are not paying attention to me, Callisto:

  • Petting me while reading a book
  • Petting me while clicking on really boring-looking things on the computer screen
  • Petting me while clicking on exciting things that move really fast on the computer screen
  • Yelling at me when I jump off  your lap and try to bat at exciting things that move really fast on the computer screen
  • Throwing me off the desk
  • Calling me a hooligan which I am NOT I am a CAT
  • Staying in the bedroom even when I’m standing RIGHT OUTSIDE and I’m telling you guys that the sun is up and you should be up already, petting me (but not the other cat, even if she is standing right next to me)
  • Seriously why aren’t you guys up yet HEY HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP
  • What if I knock on the doorknob?
  • Whoa that makes a cool sound
  • *batbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbat*
  • Yelling at me and calling me names through the door also doesn’t count as paying attention to me

Things that are paying attention to me, Callisto:

  • Petting me on my cheeks and chin and ruff with both hands while giving me kisses on my forehead
  • Two people doing this is OK too
  • Also telling me how beautiful I am because LOOK AT THIS BODY
  • But if you pet me anywhere near my belly I’ll punch you

Why aren't you petting me yet?

On Matters of Feline Etiquette; Strong Sentiments About a Certain Octopus

Callisto and Octopus

So yesterday afternoon the girl pulled me off her elbow, which looked real nice and chewy so I was chewing on it (she wasn’t doing anything with that elbow anyway, she was talking to the boy), and she told me “Callisto, if you want to play with someone, you can’t just start chewing on assorted parts of their anatomy, that’s plain rude.”

She’s wrong, chewing on someone is the best way to get them to play with me, and it’s not my fault if the other cat hisses and runs away when I chomp on her ear or her nose. That cat hates fun. (Also I wasn’t chewing the girl’s anatomy, it was CLEARLY her elbow.)

The girl said it’s like walking up to somebody and slapping them in the face first thing because you want to have a conversation with them. Well, YES, THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT. How else am I going to let them know how bored I am right now and also pay attention to me.

And then somehow my mouth was full of elbow again, so the girl pulled back (RUDE) and threw the pink octopus at me, so I bit its head, and then its dangly bits, and then kicked it repeatedly IN THE FACE, which made it jingle, so I kicked it harder to make it shut up. (This doesn’t work very well. I think the octopus is broken.)

After a while I wasn’t mad at it any more, so we cuddled on the coffee table. And maybe I made out with it a little bit.

Look it’s complicated, all right, feelings are like that sometimes.

And then the girl picked off a pile of octopus fluff off my back claws, which felt weird. She’s lucky she didn’t get a swift punch to the nose. And! AND! She claimed that it was my own belly fluff that I had clawed off while fighting off the pink octopus, which is clearly lies, because I am amazing at kicking things in the face and in no way was I kicking my own belly in excitement because it’s MY belly, I’d know if I was kicking it, which I wasn’t, it was octopus in the face ALL THE WAY.

I don’t know why the two humans were laughing so hard, because I wrecked that octopus.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Pictures by the boy. The girl comes up with the titles. What’s an etiquette? Will it jingle if I kick it?)