A Love Letter to Plastic Bags

Hey babe

Come here often?

Has anyone told you how beautiful you are

(Not as beautiful as me of course)

So rustly

So soft

Can I come closer? Just, you know

No reason

Just a little lick, just a little nibb—OH CRAP THE GIRL HAS FOUND US

I WILL BE BACK MY DARLING

SHE CANNOT KEEP US APART

I WILL FIND YOU

On Superlative Places to Sleep

The sound of the shutter woke me up.

What’s that, you say? A fuzzy bathroom rug, you say? One that traps cat hair?

WELL CONSIDER ME TRAPPED.

This is the very best thing to sleep on. Except for the couch.

And the dining room table.

And the coffee table.

And the office chairs.

Also the bed, when the girl isn’t careful and I sneak into the bedroom like a ninja. A really beautiful ninja. The most beautiful ninja. It’s like a ninja and all cat beauty queens ever had a perfect baby, and that baby was me.

‘Scuse me, time to sleep like a punctuation mark on the bathroom rug.

I can't decide if I'm doing the punctuation mark or the square bracket....

Things that are not paying attention to me, Callisto:

  • Petting me while reading a book
  • Petting me while clicking on really boring-looking things on the computer screen
  • Petting me while clicking on exciting things that move really fast on the computer screen
  • Yelling at me when I jump off  your lap and try to bat at exciting things that move really fast on the computer screen
  • Throwing me off the desk
  • Calling me a hooligan which I am NOT I am a CAT
  • Staying in the bedroom even when I’m standing RIGHT OUTSIDE and I’m telling you guys that the sun is up and you should be up already, petting me (but not the other cat, even if she is standing right next to me)
  • Seriously why aren’t you guys up yet HEY HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP HEY GET UP
  • What if I knock on the doorknob?
  • Whoa that makes a cool sound
  • *batbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbat*
  • Yelling at me and calling me names through the door also doesn’t count as paying attention to me

Things that are paying attention to me, Callisto:

  • Petting me on my cheeks and chin and ruff with both hands while giving me kisses on my forehead
  • Two people doing this is OK too
  • Also telling me how beautiful I am because LOOK AT THIS BODY
  • But if you pet me anywhere near my belly I’ll punch you

Why aren't you petting me yet?