A Love Letter to Plastic Bags

Hey babe

Come here often?

Has anyone told you how beautiful you are

(Not as beautiful as me of course)

So rustly

So soft

Can I come closer? Just, you know

No reason

Just a little lick, just a little nibb—OH CRAP THE GIRL HAS FOUND US

I WILL BE BACK MY DARLING

SHE CANNOT KEEP US APART

I WILL FIND YOU

On the Innocence or Guilt of Certain Parties Regarding Poop Incidents

Well that is AWFUL I don’t know how that smear of cat poop got on the floor by the rocking chair. The poop pirates must’ve came in the night and had a poop party.

Yes, now that I think about it I heard the the poop pirates living it up last night. They went ARRR and SWAB ME DOUBLOONS and BELAY THE POOP DECK (see?) and then they dropped poop on the ground and glued poop to my—waaauuugggh why’re you pulling on my bloomers

No

No

Nononononononononono

Nooooo

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHY ARE THE SCISSORS THERE

LEMME GO

why

ugh I can feel the wind against my butt thats WEIRD

also it hurts my feelings that you didn’t believe me about the poop pirates.

On Superlative Places to Sleep

The sound of the shutter woke me up.

What’s that, you say? A fuzzy bathroom rug, you say? One that traps cat hair?

WELL CONSIDER ME TRAPPED.

This is the very best thing to sleep on. Except for the couch.

And the dining room table.

And the coffee table.

And the office chairs.

Also the bed, when the girl isn’t careful and I sneak into the bedroom like a ninja. A really beautiful ninja. The most beautiful ninja. It’s like a ninja and all cat beauty queens ever had a perfect baby, and that baby was me.

‘Scuse me, time to sleep like a punctuation mark on the bathroom rug.

I can't decide if I'm doing the punctuation mark or the square bracket....